What you should know...
Trust is the foundation of a relationship and is necessary for a mature relationship to develop. Broken trust can include lying or deception, infidelity, broken promises, and lack of emotional support. Trust is essential for a healthy and successful relationship, and addressing these issues is crucial for rebuilding trust and maintaining a strong foundation. When trust is broken, it between difficult and impossible for their partner to trust them again without help. This relationship concern requires a professional to ‘lend’ trust to the couple. This ‘lent’ trust creates a temporary foundation to rebuild trust from honest and words and behaviour.
What Does an Affair Mean?
An affair or other breach of trust is a devastating and traumatic experience in any relationship. If you have discovered or your partner has disclosed infidelity you will be having a whole range of overwhelming feelings. Our therapists can help you to process the pain of the affair, recover and protect your own values and priorities. An affair doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. The sooner you get help the more chance you have to bring about healing and positive change.
An affair can be a huge traumatic loss and betrayal that can overwhelm a couples desire to cope, connect and communicate. Our team has some affair specialists who have years of experience guiding couples through this very common but difficult process.
Our Director Steven specialises in working intensively with couples working to rebuild their relationship after an affair or those who are trying to decide whether to stay or leave. In addition we are working on online resourse to supplement and speed the healing process. Check out the Do’s and Don’t information.
Do's and Don'ts
Important Do’s and Don’ts after discovering an affair
Don’t Interrogate your partner!
No matter what they say you won’t believe it and it is extremely unlikely that they will fully disclose the truth straight away – write all your questions down – the time for asking them is later.
Do
Do insist they get a sexual health test before any sexual intimacy occurs
Do find a safe person other than your partner to talk to.
Do give yourself time to grieve
Can a relationship recover from an affair?
The short answer is Yes! Maybe . . .
Adultery is a serious relationship breach that causes mistrust, anger, fear, and deep sadness.
These feelings of betrayal will take time to heal. Like a bone being broken it is possible for healing to occur – and in fact for the limb/marriage to emerge stronger from the experience. However, there are specific things that must be done for this healing to begin and for trust and healing to occur.
Can we get back to where we were before?
Absolutely Not!
Your relationship will change – a lot. To survive in most cases it means that it will have to get significantly better. It’s not possible to simple erase the past – building a Relationship 2.0 is a challenging and rewarding possibility.
Will I ever trust again?
Most likely Yes
You will trust differently, with your eyes wide open. You trust will not be given as freely but you will trust.
There is hope
Professional Help – Find a specialist relationship therapist trained in PORT, PACT, Gottman Method, Imago Relationship Therapy or Emotionally Focussed Therapy who has successfully worked with couples to help them recover from an affair. Working with affairs is challenging – find the best help you can access.
2. Time – Expect to spend time in counselling and at home working this through – there is no magic solution – make strategic plans to minimise avoidable time entanglements. Family, social and religious entanglements may need to take a back seat for a while.
3. Investment – working less, attending counselling, the cost of therapy etc will all have a tangible financial cost – check that your partner is willing to do this. Whether you stay together or separate healing from betrayal can happen significantly faster (and with a lot less mess) with professional help.
4. Vulnerability – At some level all affairs occur because we could not voice a request for something we needed or desired – this is true for both the betrayed on and the betrayer. The primary reason for a professional therapist or counsellor is to create a safe environment for conversation that are both real and safer.
Recovery will take couples and individual therapy, time, patience, developing new skills, understanding, and empathy. When you both understand the underlying causes of the affair you are better equipped to shape a new kind of relationship, either together or apart.
Adultery is a wake-up call for a relationship (a dysfunctional one). Taking the time to understand what the call is saying gives you choice and options in the relationship.
Get Urgent Help Now
3 Things you can do now do now to make things better:
- Get the Surviving the 1st Week after an Affair Free Course Here
- If your partner is on board with helping you navigate through this process book the In-depth Assessment with our Clinical Director Steven (For an in-person session in Auckland, New Zealand click here)
- If cost is a major issue or you can't see a session soon enough book a Pre-Therapy consult with Dan our Practice Manager
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